Monday, August 31, 2009

Change is Hard

Thank you all so much for such sweet birthday wishes!

I am wondering if any of you are like me, in that once you've been doing something for years and years and years, you don't want to stop doing it. What's that called? Like a creature comfort or something? Creature of habit? Anyway...that's what I am.

I teach first grade VBS year after year. First grade. Don't ask me to teach any other grade. First grade. Thirteen summers in a row.

I teach Sunday School. I fluctuated grades a little bit in the beginning years...but for the past at least 9 years, I've taught 5K Sunday School (except for the school year after we brought K & Q home--I took that year off). 5K. Don't ask me to teach any other grade.

My girls have taken dance with the same dance teacher for 10 years. Mrs. Shalita. Don't ask me to change dance teachers.

You get the picture. I have issues with change.

Three weeks ago the Lord asked me a question about a regular activity of mine. He asked me, "What are your motives, Laine? Did I really CALL you to this?" I did not want to go there. Because this hit somewhere very near and dear to my heart. Something I'd been doing for eleven years. Never missed a year. Every one of my children has grown up in this program, Lord. Surely you cannot mean you want me to re-evaluate Community Bible Study? CBS? God, it's BIBLE STUDY. That's a REALLY GOOD THING, right?

But I began to re-evaluate. To recalculate my motives. To search my heart. To PANIC! What would I do without CBS?????????

Okay, I thought, maybe the Lord is just wanting me to re-adjust my thinking and take this to Him. Give it all to Him. Here, Lord, I give you CBS. It is yours. Thank you for allowing me to do CBS...'cause you're still going to let me do it, RIGHT LORD?

See, now there is no doubt in your mind that Laine has issues.

Seriously, I began to have an unrest in my spirit about beginning a new year of CBS. And I really couldn't trust my emotional, biased self with all of this. So I called in Rob to begin praying with me about it all. I prayed alright! I kept telling God that I'd already paid my registration dues, I'd committed to teaching the first grade class (last year I taught them in 5K and FELL IN LOVE WITH EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE LITTLE CUTIE PIES), and the first day was rolling up quick. How could I back out now, Lord? Surely this is just the enemy putting fear and doubt in my mind. Bible study is a GOOD THING, right?

I waffled like those Eggos my kiddos eat. Back and forth, back and forth. One day I'd have peace that I was supposed to give it up, and the next day I was clinging to my CBS bag with all my might, never letting go!

We had a children's teacher meeting one day last week. I felt in my heart I wasn't supposed to be there. But I wanted to make sure I was hearing God correctly. My stomach hurt the whole meeting. Afterwards I told Rob about the lack of peace, but I said that could've been attributed to the rough morning we had at home before the meeting. I was grasping for all hope of not giving up my beloved CBS. Inner turmoil does not even begin to describe what I felt at this time.

Finally, Rob called a day of fasting and prayer over this decision. I told him that he was just going to have to make the decision for me. Whatever he decided, I would accept. At the end of the fast, he told me to give up CBS. In my completely submissive manner, I asked him, "Are you SURE that's the right thing to do HONEY?" ;)

His reply was that in giving up this time commitment, I would be able to serve my family with less stress. And he's right. Our schedule with homeschool, speech appointments, and other activities keeps us busy. I struggled with giving up CBS because that is something that keeps us in the Word, keeps us accountable. It is my top priority that my children stay in the Word, so now I will just take the challenge to find a Bible study for us to do as part of our daily schedule.

On Friday I called our children's director to give her the news. Of course, she took my last minute back-outage with grace and mercy, telling me God had already picked out just the right teacher for the first grade. I wish I could say since that phone call I have felt the greatest sense of peace and calm and assurance that I did the right thing. I've actually felt a sense of grief, like my left arm has been cut off. I will miss the fellowship and those sweet Christian ladies of all ages who make up the CBS leadership. If any of you have ever been in CBS, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Especially in CBS leadership. I have also grieved over my children not getting to see their CBS friends on a regular basis...although they have not had NEAR as hard of a time giving it up as I have! I want to put my big girl panties on and not whine about it. But between God and me...and now all of you (hi! my name is Laine and I said I wasn't going to whine about not doing CBS and now I'm whining) yes, I've thrown a pity party.

I know God has something in store for us. I KNOW THAT. He keeps whispering to me that He has something better. There's a reason. Today when I returned all my teaching materials to the church, as I walked back out to the car I heard him whisper "I'm so proud of you!" Huh, God? Proud? Why? Because I'm quitting? How could that make you proud? Couldn't you show me why I'm doing this? Just a little something...I don't know what, God. Just something. Make something happen on a Thursday. Like our fingerprints...maybe they'll assign our fingerprint appointments for a Thursday...something like that.

I checked my mail after I got back home.

Our fingerprint appointments arrived.

Thursday, September 10

10:00 a.m.

That is the first day of CBS.

Lord, I'm in awe.

"Who is like you—
majestic in holiness,
awesome in glory,
working wonders? " Exodus 15:11

Nehemiah 9:31
But in your great mercy you did not put an end to them or abandon them, for you are a gracious and merciful God.

I'm learning that obedience brings blessing. And sometimes even after you obey, and you question if you did the right thing, He will show you. Unmistakable. No doubts. He will show you.

How great is the love the Father has lavished upon us!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Lord for calling us your children...My heart is exploding with love and awe for my Father!

(Oh, and for those who don't know about fingerprint appointments...let me tell you! First, you don't make the appointment. You get assigned an appointment and you just hope and pray it's a time that you can go! Second, this is for our immigration paperwork, so we're one step closer to little Kevin! ;)


MamaHen said...

Laine, remember what Diane says, "Obedience always brings blessing." Even when we can't see it or don't understand it right away. I am proud of you for listening to His Spirit and for listening to Rob.

Keisha said...

Oh.. Hugs Lanie Girl! I know this was hard for you!!!
WOW.. GO GOD!! That is Awesome, AWESOME news about the fingerprints!!

For our 1st fingerprinting.. Matt's Grandmother had passed away and it was the day of the funeral. We had to cancel..I cried. (I know.. selfish me) but, God re-sche. it just 2 short weeks later. PTL!!
God is GOOD!!!

Ladyblog said...

that is an awesome testimony of faith. thanks for sharing...

familyof8 said...

Laine...a timely post for me. I appreciate your honesty about the challenges in your heart. I had to give up CBS when homeschooling took more was difficult because I loved it like you.
I just returned from CT packing up my mom's house...sorry I wasn't around to wish you a happy birthday. Love, love, love the pictures of Kevin. Go God fingerprints on the 10th!!!
Talk soon,

Dollar General said...

So I guess you got your neon sign after all...It didn't come as bright as I thought, no, in the form of a quiet peice of mail sitting in your mailbox - sent from the Lord himself!

I was praying so hard that Rob would give you the answer you were looking for and you would find peace in that it came from him.

I'm in tears Laine! I love you so much. You are so faithful and fight like I do and the Lord is so gracious and loving to remind you He's still there and got this whole thing figured out! Ordained before the foundation of the world!

God is good and intimately involved in the life of His people - and this testimony is just what I needed today! Thanks so much for sharing! We continue to lift you and Kevin up in prayer that God would continue to show you the way you should go!

I miss CBS too and I'm praying that your at home Biblestudy will be all the more meaningful!

I love you!

The Princess's Mommy said...

God is Good all the time! I know He will bless you for your faithfulness!! YIPPEE for fingerprints on the 10th! One step closer to that precious boy!!

Love you,

Aimee said...


Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I missed that..I was a little busy last week...:)

I love this story of God's faithfulness.

I am so thankful that you "listened" to Him. He has so much in store for you sista!

Trace Car Driver said...

awww, hard to hear laine that you are leaving CBS... but the fingerprint appt makes it much easier! what better confirmation could you have gotten? how awesome that god's fingerprints are evident in this decision about cbs!! god will bless you for being obedient, i agree! can't wait to hear more updates!

remember this SCC song? made me think of you. love it!!!

I can see the tears filling your eyes
And I know where theyre coming from
Theyre coming from a heart thats broken in two
By what you dont see
The person in the mirror
Doesnt look like the magazine
Oh but when I look at you its clear to me that

I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
Youre a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And youre covered with the fingerprints of god

Never has there been and never again
Will there be another you
Fashioned by gods hand
And perfectly planned
To be just who you are
And what hes been creating
Since the first beat of your heart
Is a living breathing priceless work of art and

Just look at you
Youre a wonder in the making
Oh and gods not through no
In fact hes just getting started!!

Shalita said...

I think of Diane everytime I hear, "Obedience brings blessing."
She would be one of the first in line to tell you how proud she is of your obedience to your Father and your husband. Being obedient is not always easy, just ask one of your children. But when we are obedient, AAAHHHH! the sweet peace and blessing that follows! I love you and am continuing to pray that God fill your Thursdays with His agenda.

On a much different note, did you not get the message that the schedule had changed and your girls' new dance teacher is Ms. Penelope?

jhand said...

Too Cool! What an amazing God we serve. We are experiencing some of that ourselves, with regards to our second adoption. God's message (command) to us was...As the economy wavers and your savings account is low for this next adoption, give Me more, and I will take care of the rest. Huh?!? Well obedience to that message has brought and continues to bring us blessings!
P.S. Happy Birthday! I cried over the pictures of Kevin with the birthday sign.

Tina said...

Oh my word that is soooo awesome. God's timing is so perfect. Congrats on your FP appt!!

smallseven said...

Laine, what a testimony you are continually of a life submitted to Christ! You have challenged me to really look at everything I'm doing and ask the Lord," is this really your assignment for me in this particular season of my life?" As for your fleshly struggles in it all, I'm amazed that you struggle the way I do. Thanks for sharing and being so transparent. God is so awesome! I love the way He confirmed His will to you! He's SO COOL!!!!!

Desiree' said...

I am not a good one with change either. God had it all worked out girl!!
Praying you get your approval very quickly, ours came in a week!!
Sorry I have been awol in bloggy land but am back and catching up!! Happy belated bday and love the new pictures!!

living4him5 said...

I know it was hard but I too feel you made the right decision. Kevin is coming and he'll be here before you know it! It's time to nest for your next baby chick.

BTW...We got our appointment for fingerprints too...Sept. 18th! I would LOVE to be DTC with you!!! Since you're going though Lifeline, I believe there's a chance we could be in the same travel group!!!! Wouldn't that be a hoot! I'm praying for it to happen!!

Love ya!

The Young's said...

First...sorry I missed your b'day. I hope that you had a wonderful one. I've been crazy busy myself!! I think it's wonderful that you are following the leading of the Lord....even though we don't understand. It is such a blessing hind sight...but it's hard up front! You will be so glad that you did it!!! I hope yall have an amazing weekend!!! Hope to see you soon...HEY...we have a women's conference next weekend 11th and are welcome to come and bring some friends. It'll be great!!! For info...go to the conference is called SHE Battleground (SHE - seeking his embrace). We've got great speakers and Rita springer is leading the conference worship!!! You're welcome to come!!! Miss you! TTYS!
Love ya,

mommy24treasures said...

oh Laine, how you entertain us with your confessions. You are more gifted at writing than you realize!
I am excited to see what God has in store! I know it must be extra extra marvelous.

Ha Shalita is sooo funny;)
Ms Penelope indeed:):)

Anonymous said...

I so wish I had your spirit of discernment (or a godly husband like yours!). I always think I'm doing what God wants me to do until He literally has to pull the rug out from under me! It's only in hindsight that I realize it was what I wanted and not what He wanted. I keep asking Him to give me discernment and so far all I keep getting are opportunities to learn it--but I never do! LOL

I know how you loved CBS and will miss it! You're in my prayers, as always!

Karin said...

Totally LOVING this post--and how God told you immediately that you were doing the right thing! I love it when He does that! :) ('Cause, you know, I hate waiting and all...)