Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Fear and the Brevity

Or better titled:
"The Fear of the Brevity"

I haven't written about Kevin's heart in a while! That's because there hasn't been much to write, praise the Lord! No news is good news? I hope!

Back in August he had his 2nd heart cath which showed his lung pressures had lowered, (praise the Lord!), but not enough for the Glenn procedure. In October he had a cardiologist checkup in which his O2 sats were 81 (GREAT for him!) and his heart looked pretty much the same. Dr. R. suggested we come back in 6 months to check on things again.

These last few months he has done really well, except for a common cold or the flu. We have enjoyed some really healthy days! And as the good days come, one after another, I guess I forget how very grateful I am for those good days! I admit, I take them for granted.

One thing I never forget is the nagging thought in the back of my mind. It is there everyday. It causes me to have bad dreams. Horrible dreams about losing our little Kevin. This thought is like an appendage. It's just always there. I push it to the back of my mind, I tell myself I just will not think about that right now. But there it is again, a speck on my new spectacles (yes, I'm 40!) that I just can't rub off.

Last night I came face to face with that fear yet again. Kevin had a restless night that went downhill like a freight train. At first I thought he was just restless because he had skipped his afternoon nap that day (that messes up his sleep patterns sometimes). He was coughing a good bit (he's had a cold along with Kimmie and Quan). It was 1:00 in the morning and I was tired with a capital T. I hereby confess winning the "not nice mommy" award. Kevin still sleeps in our room, right next to my side of the bed, and he started playing and talking as if he were awake for the day. I felt his head to make sure he didn't have a fever (he felt cool) and scolded him and told him it was night and he needed to go back to sleep! He didn't. He tossed, turned, whined. I kept saying "SHHHHHH!!!!!" and scolding him to go back to sleep.

When he started crying about an hour later I checked his head again and sure enough, he was hot. His temp was only 100.8, but he was so miserable so I gave him Motrin. He immediately threw it up and started screaming that his tummy hurt. Screaming and screaming and screaming. In a matter of 10 minutes his fever spiked to 103. I tried to give him more fever medicine but again, he immediately threw it up.

Now I'm facing the fear. Here it is. This is it. Rob helped me get ready to head to the E.R. and he stayed home with the other kiddos. Kevin's screaming woke up Katie Lyn and Colby (once Colby realized we were headed to the E.R., he gathered some trains for Kevin to take--so sweet!). I left the house about 3:30.

As soon as we got in the car, I turned around to Kevin and said, "Mommy's sorry I got so frustrated with you buddy! Do you forgive me?"

Of course he is just crying.

And my tears are on the verge.

We got halfway to the hospital and he starts talking to me about the things we're passing on the interstate. Then he starts SINGING! (and at this point I'm thinking I need to turn the car around, "WHY am I going to the E.R. with a singing, happy child?")

But I didn't turn the car around because of that thought...that thought. His heart.

We got to the E.R. and all the previous E.R. experiences and hospital stays come quickly back to my memory. And obviously those memories flooded his mind too because he started screaming again the minute they put the blood pressure cuff on him. And the O2 monitor. And then screaming through the rectal temp, and the rectal tylenol. And then through the strep throat swab, the flu test in which they stick a q-tip for a giraffe up his nose so far it disappears. And then continuing the screaming through the stethoscope of the doctor trying to listen to his lungs, through the two chest x-rays, and finally through the search for a good vein and the ocean blue rubber band tied tighter and tighter around his arm. The climax screaming was reserved for the actual IV going in and the blood-draw. That's when he began yelling "I WANT TO GO HOME!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE MOMMY. I WANT TO GO HOME." (insert tears from mommy)

Bless his baby heart. It all came back to him like a tidal wave.

But just as quickly as it began, it was over. And the doctor came in and said something like this:

"We cannot find anything wrong. Your son has a cold."

And promptly we were discharged with 5 pages explaining to me how to take care of a child with a cold.

LOL! And praise the Lord!

And so at the end of my story I wish I could tell you how full of faith I was during this episode. How I quoted scripture out loud. How I boldly told our testimony to the doctor. How I prayed out loud with little Kevin.

But the truth is, I did none of that. I was paralyzed by my fear. I do remember calling to Jesus in my mind...but that's all I could muster. And I know that I know that I know that it's okay...that was enough. And that He continues to teach me during these times, and teaching is good. Refining is good. Hardships are good because we "share in His sufferings" and that is always hard, but always worth it.

I am so very thankful for what Christ is teaching me through my children! Now if I will let His teachings change me. If I will take what He says to heart and let Him have His way in me and in my children. If I will just SURRENDER to SANCTIFICATION. If I will let go of fear and take hold of HIM. It's a minute by minute choice. I choose PEACE. I choose JOY. I choose MERCY. I choose TRUST. I choose THANKFULNESS. I choose HIM!

I still am not sure what was going on with 103 temp and tummy ache in the middle of the night. (that doesn't sound like a cold to me) however the tummy ache could have been the black eyed peas for dinner. I've been watching him closely today and he is of course exhausted and still has a little temp...

If nothing else, our trip to the E.R. reminded me how thankful again that I am for regular days.

And maybe my thoughts about fear and brevity are heightened by the upcoming one year anniversary of our trip to China to adopt Kevin. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the past year, and all the Lord has done for us. From that first dance down the hallway of the guest-house at New Day, when only 30 minutes later we would find out Kevin was in the hospital and we would be on our knees with Karen during the loss of Tristan....

...that day would mark the beginning of a faith journey like we had never taken before. What a year of ups and downs....a year where we have seen more of the Lord's footprints then our own.

We are planning something super special to celebrate one year with Kevin. It's really super special. I cannot wait---and after last night's E.R. adventure, I am reminded that our celebration will be according to the Lord's will. Ya know the old sayin' "Lord willing and the creek don't rise!"


Kristi said...

Oh Laine,
My heart stopped for a moment when I read the beginning of this post.
You have no idea though how much I appreciate and respect your transparency on such a subject.
We love all you guys so and are continually praying for your sweet baby boy. Never a meal or bedtime slips by without Kevin's name being mentioned...

Aaron and Erica said...

Girlfriend...this was good. So good that I had to read it out loud to my hubby. So good in so many ways for so many reasons. Thank you for reminding me to be grateful for the ordinary days! And thank you for the reminder to let Him give us the PEACE, JOY and LOVE that we need for EVERY day.

Love you!


CK said...

Thankful for:
your "realness" Laine,
only a cold,

Jennifer Taylor said...

Thank you for being so open and honest with us. I've been wondering how he is doing lately & have been horrible to email... We continue to pray for your entire family & especially for Kevin's strength and health.

meg said...

thankful that God is showing up. God is after your heart and kevin's heart. When God goes after the heart of your child he really gets 3 in the process---the kids, moms, and dads... God is pursing you..

MamaHen said...

Laine-girl, you hit it out of the ballpark. Everything you wrote-so true.

TanyaLea said...

okay, I felt like "I" was you for a moment. I seriously felt your heart's anxiety and understood how the memories of those unstable times began to dig up fear. But aren't you just SO glad that our Father understands these things... That HIS grace is enough!!... That all even if all we can muster up is the faith of a mustard seed, that NOTHING... NO.THING! is impossible for Him!!!! Praise the Lord that He seen you through this moment... whatever it was, and continued to use it to refine and renew your faith in Him, knowing that He is in the driver's seat! (I LOVE that Kevin started singing on the way to the ER!!)

Oh how this post dredged up some memories for me, too. I remember faithfully following your journey to your sweet Kevin, and praying diligently after you arrived and he was admitted to the hospital. And the sudden, unexpected loss of sweet, precious Tristan. Oh the pain of those memories. But I'm so glad that through it all, God's footprints were clear to track. SO glad that He never leaves us nor forsakes us. That HIS mercies are NEW...EVERY morning!! PTL! <><

Give that precious boy a hug and KNOW that I will be celebrating with you as you give God the glory for 1 year with Kevin!! Trusting that this is just the first of MANY wonderful celebrations with your little miracle boy!

Love you all!! <><
~ Tanya


jhand said...

Praise God for just a cold. Thank you again for sharing your heart, your fears, and your Faith.

The Collier Bunch said...

Praying for Kevin and for you and Rob. Kevin is a very special little boy and is blessed to be with your family. We pray that he feels better and that you all get some rest. We also pray for MANY GOOD DAYS for all of you.

The Princess's Mommy said...

Bless it...thank goodness it was just a cold! Praying sweet Kevin is feeling better and the Fab Ferrill's have a great weekend!!

Love you,

Ohilda said...

My sweet friend,

Do you remmeber when you were thinking about getting Kevin and you sent me his picture, that I printed out and began praying for daily? Well, that picture remains on my desk, to this day. He makes me smile. I am stepping up prayers for your little man and thanking God and praising Him for that "cold". You are such a good Mommy. A human Mommy, but a very good one. He is so blessed to be a part of your beautiful family.

Sending you hugs wrapped in prayers....

Much love,


The Byrd's Nest said...

I can't believe it has been almost one year since he came into your family! Wow!!!

What a wonderful reminder Laine of the peace and joy we must look for each day in the "regular days" especially. I love you my friend...I thank you for God sending you into my life....I am praying for all of you.

Football and Fried Rice said...

This was so, so good!! And what a blessed reminder to YES! Be thankful for our " regular" days! I really can't believe it's been almost a year - and now he's getting a New Day brother!! Can't wait!!

Keisha said...

Oh.. Lanie! Bless your heart! Sorry I haven't stopped in on you in awhile.. I've been MIA in the blog world. But, I have ALWAYS loved reading about you and your precious family. You allow GOD to use you in Mighty ways Lanie... and you ALWAYS tell about it here on this blog.. wheather good or bad.. you tell it. Thank you for your willingness to share.. straight from the HEART!!! You inspire me & sooo many others.
Keep your chin up & smack the devil in the mouth.. "He knows how much you love your babies" & he is trying to shake you... Stand firm girl! As I KNOW you will! Praying that this fear will go away!!
Love you!

Wife of the Pres. said...

So thankful for "just a cold". I get it Laine.

As for the tummy ache, a couple of mine get this with a fever. Maybe that is the same for Kevin.

S had a fever virus that hung on for a week. We went to the pedi twice in 4 days, but I was so worried and our pedi was glad I came. But she found nothing … no flu … no strep … no high bacterial counts … just a cold/virus.

Still I understand the fear. DH has had some recurring nightmares lately along these lines. :( I feel so badly for him as he wakes up sobbing.

You know, every day is precious … and it really is. BIG HEART HUGS!