There are days when I look in the back seat and see 3 dark headed boys with almond shaped eyes, giggling and whispering on their fake cell phones, and I sing in my heart. I can't believe I've been given these blessings.
There are nights that I wet the pillow with my tears. My fears over Kevin's heart overwhelming. Most days I can stand strong and not give way to the fear. I can look at how well he's doing, his oxygen staying in the low 80's, his lips only looking blue when he's playing hard, his breathing sometimes so fast and hard just from coming up our stairs. But I rejoice most days in how God has brought him thus far. How wonderful that God is allowing Kevin to just live life as a regular pre-schooler, playing and laughing and getting in trouble and hearing the gospel. In ignorance I google search one more time about hypoplastic left heart syndrome, knowing that a google search will not tell me how long my son will live. Only God knows that. Why do I seek other knowledge than His?
There are mornings when I sit a little longer in His presence. Really not wanting to get up and start the day. Enjoying Him and just being. Reading. Writing. Praying. I sit longer and push breakfast back another 30 minutes, another hour. Everyone is so quiet and content. I take advantage of their contentment and sit longer with my Father.
There are afternoons when I want to take a nap with Crickett. I want to eat a bag of jelly beans and lay in my bed and read the Reader's Digest. I want to be lazy. And there are afternoons when I give in to that selfish desire that doesn't feed my body, the temple of the Holy Spirit, what it so desperately needs.
There are days when all I want to do is read to my children all day long. Who needs biology anyway? We sit at the breakfast table and talk about everything. We read and we pray and we sing and we talk a little longer. Math and spelling and writing papers gets pushed back a little further.
There are times when I question what we are doing in our outside activities. Soccer. Dance. Oh there used to be a lot more. a LOT. But God has slowly over the last four years reduced our activities greatly. Weeding through the hay and straw. He keeps pruning and weeding, thank the Lord. I question if we are pointing our children to where He wants them to be...and I have no choice but to trust Him. Who else can I turn to for help raising 10 children? Who else? I cannot run to anyone...only HIM.
Many days I wonder if we are where He wants us. Am I supposed to question that? Am I dealing with discontent? Or is He calling us to something? I wait and rest. I pray and rest. I talk to Rob endlessly about mission and ministry. I dive in to the WORD where He speaks unmistakably.
There are mornings, almost every morning, where I can't wait to see how my friends in China are doing. I can't wait to see how another little heart boy from China is doing after his surgery. I can't wait to see what's going on at New Day. I can't wait to check in on friends who I only know through blog world, but whom God has grown a sweet friendship regardless of distance. As much as I get irritated at the instant messaging system of today's world, I am so thankful for an avenue to see more of how God is moving in people's lives.
There are evenings when my boys are at soccer and my girls, all 5 of them, put on pageants and I get to sit and commentate. I love those evenings and I thank God for precious girls who desire to dress modestly, who giggle at the fun of dressing up and putting on makeup, who think that our vice-president's name is Joe Bison, and who say the biggest blessing in their life is being adopted.
There are crumbs on my floor, abc's all over my kitchen, fingerprints on walls, cracked windows, cluttered countertops, screaming over toys, and tattle tails all over the place.
And there is love, laughter, singing, joy, hope, fun, privilege, blessing, salvation, and GRACE.
All over the place.